Most of us learned the saying “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” back when we were kids. Unfortunately, this phrase doesn’t seem to translate to mommy blog world, where anonymity presents a free-for-all in the comment section. And even then, it would be different if the same snarky, sanctimonious comments didn’t keep repeating and recycling over and over and over, with the same obnoxious tripe masquerading under the guise of “It’s just my opinion. Sheesh! Free speech, anyone?” Some of the more supercilious comments are as follows:
1. I don’t get this at all. My experience was nothing like this, therefore this entire post is completely ridiculous and in no way representative of life outside my personal bubble. It is incomprehensible to me than anyone else might have a life experience divergent from my own. But I won’t be content with happily regaling all the ways my experience was superior, I’ll also need to throw in a few smug lines to shame others about their own situations. Just to let them know how badly they’re failing at life.
2. My kids are not like that/have never done that. I don’t understand why people complain so much about whateverthispostisabout. My situation has been a breeze. You are probably doing something wrong or else you wouldn’t be having so many problems, therefore I cannot relate and have zero empathy for anyone who doesn’t do things exactly the way I do with the exact same outcome.
3. I don’t understand what the author is so upset about. It sounds petty to me. People are too quick to get offended over the least little thing. This situation has never happened to me, so I have no idea what I’m talking about. But I would still like to pretend that if it did, I would have a lot more grace and class about it than to rant and rave about it on the internet! In the meantime, I will continue saying/doing whatever it is that other people find offensive, because I cannot comprehend the point of this post is to tell me how and why those things are hurtful. And since it doesn’t affect me directly, I really don’t care that it’s hurtful to others.
4. If you weren’t prepared for the challenges of raising children, you should have kept your legs together. Birth control much? Stop breeding and stop complaining. Meanwhile, I will continue to bitch about my hideous non-career and what an asshole my boss is, but everyone else should just STFU and put their big girl panties on and deal with it. It’s called real life. Grow up and stop whining about it. I mean, it’s okay if I do it because I have free speech and I’ll say whatever I want, but when you do the same thing, you just sound like an entitled brat and it is my douchey prerogative to call you out on it.
5. #NotAllHusbands #NotAllWives #NotAllMoms #NotAllDads #NotAllKids #NotAllAnybody Since I happen to know that there are minute exceptions to whatever generalizations you are making, your entire post is invalid and should never be said at all, ever.
6. You sound really bitter and angry. I don’t have the comprehension skills to read the post and understand what you might be bitter and angry ABOUT, but the whole tone of this post is just…bleh. Not digging it. You should cheer up and be thankful for what you DO have. I don’t care what you’re particular situation is, it is my opinion that you should change the whole tone of your story to suit my emotional needs, complete stranger on the internet.
7. This snapshot of your life experience is reprehensible and irresponsible. So many people in the world will read this and only this and think that it is stone cold fact. You need a disclaimer that says “This is a semi-satirical post complied of hyperbole, humor and sardonicism, and should in no way replace expert advice from a licensed physician, attorney, or therapist,” or else no one will ever know any better because people are in general pretty stupid and are incapable of seeking information from more than once source.
8. Your sense of humor is not like my sense of humor. Therefore, I don’t find this amusing in the slightest and will now proceed to be a huge sandy vagina all over the comment section, berating both the author and other commenters who share the joke because I failed Internet 101 where they showed us how to scroll past things we don’t like.
9. I didn’t even read this post. But based on the photo caption or the title alone, I will now comment heatedly about an issue that is in no way related to this post, because I’d rather throw a pompous opinion into the pool before being unduly influenced by the actual article itself.
10. I disagree with everything you just said. I’m not sure exactly why, but it’s an emotional response that I can’t articulate, so instead of respectfully disagreeing using my grown-up words, I’ll just throw some sanctimonious name-calling around, and then get butt-hurt from the rebuttals. I might even say I’m unfollowing this page and storm off in a huff. So THERE.
© 2014 MyLove Barnett, as first published on Scary Mommy